So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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