I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
