I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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