Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
