Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
