U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Verdict: uncircumcised.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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