the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
