so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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