he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
