Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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