I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
