my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
