right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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