woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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