his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
