I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize