got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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