So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
