you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
