I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
