We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize