ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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