Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
