I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
