his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
