No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
