Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
ugly people sure do ruin things
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Let's get the cat blown out
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
