More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
