At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
