i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
