I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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