Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm bleeding and have questions
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
