Whatcha textin bout Willis?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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