I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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