You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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