I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
BRING THE BAGELS
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
