i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize