I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Randomize
