she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
