A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
a search helicopter?!
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
