You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
