you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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