this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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