well I can't set my house on fire every night
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize