The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
