You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
whose ass print is on the piano?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
