it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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