Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
