Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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