I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
