We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
