Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
