Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Is Oprah even human
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
