I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
