My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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