One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Sober January is a disaster.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize