im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
