fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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