Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
