Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
