You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
