i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
