there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
