She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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